Steph describes teh suck
August 14th, 2005 | by jg3 |Note: this was not written by me, but it is like whoa and is in my opinion worth a review by a wider audicence. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.
I think one of the suckiest of the sucks of breakup land is the fact
that even though you may be intellectually certain that this is the
right decision, it still represents a full dismantling of current
reality, and that is nothing less than terrifying. For me, it’s
actually played with my vision…it’s managed to make me feel soupy and
swoony, but not in a charming way. More like a nauseating, “been on
the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and who put acid in my 7up” kind of
way. It’s like staring off the edge of a cliff and realizing you just
jumped. And the person who would usually provide the safety net is the
one person you can’t call. Whoah, that is teh suck.
Bad news is it keeps sucking for a long time and will most likely drag
you through all sorts of crazy stages, including one where you think
you’re all better and you’re not. Good news is this means you are
normal and on the way to fine. I’ve started to understand injuries
like this almost in terms of physical injury. Everyone starts from a
different point and a different situation, but everyone also breaks and
heals in similar ways. It’s like a broken bone or torn ligament. If
it’s not given the time and gentleness to heal correctly the first
time, it’ll stay broken until it’s rebroken and given a chance to heal
right. You can accurately belabor the analogy for quite a
while…there’s the initial shock, then intense, mind-blowing pain,
throw in some (and by “some” I mean “all”) stages of grief, that gives
way to a strong, nagging pain, that after a while becomes an annoying
hindrance with occasional flair-ups, then you think you’re ok and start
jumping on the freshly-set bone and realize that’s a dumb thing to do,
and you’ll have to take it easy for a while longer.
But by then, you’ve rebuilt your reality. You have fresh memories that
are all yours. You’ve nurtured some things in yourself that had been
neglected. You’ve rediscovered important people and had moments of joy
exploring that. The nostalgia only tugs once in a while, and not too
hard. That’s when you start to feel like it’s vaguely conceivable that
maybe someday you might be able, or even, stupidly, *eager* to give it
another go. The thought of going that deep again with another human
stops being quite so nauseating.
The trick to getting through is understanding logically that eventually
you do just get through. It’s like a long road trip. You get in the
car knowing it’s going to be a lot of cds and pee breaks, but
eventually you’ll get to see a different sunset. The cool thing is,
the one thing you absolutely, irrefutably get to take with you even if
everything else burns up in re-entry, is YOU. You get to be your own
anchor to what’s real, and you get to be malleable for a while and
shapeshift a little if you want. But while everything changes color
and smell around you, you get to look inside yourself for a stable
center. That might be terrifying now, but it will probably sound
pretty cool before long.
This isn’t meant to be a Pollyanna la la happy rainbows and puppy dogs
-style distraction, but rather more like a vague map. What I’ve just
described I think is true for most people, and what I know about you
personally is that you’re looking for the good, the wonder, and the
possibility in things. This is going to make it so much more
survivable for you. From the little you said, it also sounds like
maybe you have some specific things in mind that you are eager to get
started on, like pieces of yourself that went unexpressed for a while
and are ready to have a field day. Be careful, but have fun!!!!!
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