Dumped
July 19th, 2005 | by jg3 |D & I are breaking up. I’ve pushed against it for a long time, but it needs to happen.
We probably never should have been married. We’ve probably ruined or at least severely damaged our friendship by doing so. That’s awful, because she’s a really, really superlative person in so many ways.
If I had been clearheaded we may never have have married. If I had been better able to communicate I would have been better able to stand firm when advocating we wait longer. If I had been more clear, more careful, and more communicative when I tried to break up with her back when we were dating I would not have said things that still hurt our relationship to this day. There is a lot of hindsight right now and there better be. Had I known that she was behaving out of character, we would have just had dinner and cake and skipped the ceremony.
If that can be construed as upbeat, I’m not thrilled to see it ending. I still see it as a failure, as a blot, as giving up. Once upon a time I thought that who you paired with didn’t really matter so much as long as you liked them and you both agreed to try to get along. I believed that such a relationship could work no matter what if you both kept working at it. I figured all relationships take work so it didn’t matter much what or who the other person was as long as they were willing to work with you. But it seems that just being willing to work to stay together is a minimal requirement. I mean, maybe that is enough if you’re okay to sleep in separate bedrooms on opposite ends of the house but that is not really what I am looking for in a marriage. In reality, two people who have nothing more in common than the project of being married could probably enjoy a couple of fun years at the outset followed by several decades of enduring each other …and only if their primary focus was on making their marriage work. I spent a lot of time saying that to D, telling her that “this could work” but now I am geting the message that that’s not really what she has in mind and while it might be possible it doesn’t sound fantastic to me, either. I think a very large part of the reason that I am loath to conceed that the best path is apart is based on a few comments that my father has made to me in reference to other people. I love him and respect the fact that he has worked hard to provide a stable and comfortable home for his wife and family. I am afraid that I will disappoint him greatly by doing this, but I’m more afraid that I will disappoint myself if I don’t (and I only have about a 49% say in the matter anyway).
I’m optimistic (as always) that the best can come of it. The best, in this situation would mean that we can separate cleanly and gracefully and civilly. The best would also mean that we, ironically perhaps, grow closer in our friendship through this. The best would definitely include that we both grow to understand ourselves more through this. I know that I am already a better communicator (even if that doesn’t say very much). I know that I am a distinct and separate person from anyone or anything else, a feeling I do not think I have ever had before. I also feel less afraid to say the things that I think or ask the questions I have to just about anyone about nearly anything.
Well, that sounds nice. Inside it doesn’t feel only like that. Inside it feels like fifteen different things. I’m trying to hone in on one aspect of it at a time and come to understand that emotion thouroughly. Last week I practiced “good riddance”. This week I’m working the “this can be a good thing” angle. Maybe next week I’ll be whacking myself over the head and shoulders with a two-by-four, stay tuned!
Filed under: about me, Musings
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